The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
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