WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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