I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
