I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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