i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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