The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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