You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
