I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
