How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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