I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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