if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
