why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
