There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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