I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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