i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
