So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
