I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
