I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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