I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
