if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
