do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
