I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
