Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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