I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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