It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
