i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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