My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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