You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
