I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
