You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
