I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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