I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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