Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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