I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
