Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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