I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
