There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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