apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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