I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
this hospital has no fireball
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
