Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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