Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
