apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
