i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
