No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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