my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
