I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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