Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
