My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
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my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
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What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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