it was like his penis was on wheels.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
