someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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