Dude i fell asleep inside of her
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos