Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
