My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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