On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
