I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
