I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
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Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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