and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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