She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
