Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
