I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
