you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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