Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Everything about him screamed your future.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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